THE BICKERSONS BAKE

CHARACTERS

MAE: 8 years old

MATT: 10 years old

MOM: 41 years old

DAD: 42 years old

BAKING.JPG

(The Bickerson’s are baking brownies. Mom and dad are in another room trying to watch Game of Thrones.)

MAE:

Mom!

MATT:

MOM!!!

(Mom goes into the kitchen.)

MOM:

How’s it going?

MATT:

Does this look mixed enough?

MAE:

Can we lick the bowl now?

MOM:

All the powder stuff should be mixed in.

(Matt and Mae furiously mix the batter.)

MATT:

Is that good?

(Mom inspects the bowl.)

MOM:

Good job.

MAE:

Can you use the scraper thing? Cause we can’t do it good.

MATT:

Yeah, mom, you’re faster, but don’t get like all of it. Do it, but don’t get it so much that we can’t test it.

MAE:

Yeah.  We need to test it, so don’t scrape it out so much that there’s not anything left.

(Mom scrapes the batter out of the bowl into the baking dish. Matt and Mae watch intensely hoping for big globs to be left behind. Mom makes sure she leaves some batter behind. Matt and Mae dig in.)

MAE:

Quit hogging all of it.

(Mae tugs at the bowl and brings it closer to her.)

MATT:

Keep it in the middle!

(Matt tugs at the bowl. Mae grabs her end before he can pull it closer. They have a tug-o-war with the bowl and knock a glass dish off the counter. It shatters all over the kitchen. Dad shouts from the other room.)

DAD:

What the hell was that?

MOM:

We need the shop vac!

DAD:

Come on!

MOM:

Shop vac stat!

DAD:

Can it wait?!

MOM:

There’s glass all over. We’re trapped.

DAD:

You guys are killing me! Absolutely killing me!

(Matt and Mae stand silent in the kitchen. Mom stares them down.)

Not cool while Game of Thrones is on. Here he comes…

(Matt and Mae anxiously await dad’s arrival in the kitchen. They know they’re in trouble. Dad barges in the kitchen, runs out to the garage and returns with a tangled Shop Vac. He struggles with the cord and then eventually untangles it. He quickly vacuums up all the glass while the kids move out of the way. He rolls the shop vac into the hallway and rushes back to the living room without saying a word. Mom looks the kids over as she leaves the kitchen.)

You’re lucky.

(Matt and Mae smile. They’re safe. They continue baking.)

THE BICKERSONS HAVE A VOCABULARY LESSON

CHARACTERS

MAE: 8 years old

MATT: 10 years old

MOM: 41 years old

DAD: 42 years old

JAKE: 4 (the family dog)

vocabulary.JPG

 

(The Bickersons are traveling up to Wisconsin. Dad is driving, mom is in the passenger seat. Matt and Mae are in the back seat. Matt reads. Mae holds a giant over-stuffed dog pillow. She is watching Moana.)

(Jake, the family dog, scoots across the front seat into dad’s lap and over his arm so he can look out the window.)

MOM:

That’s how he likes it.

DAD:

We’re gonna crash.

MOM:

Just go in the right lane. We’re not in a hurry.

(Jake looks up at dad and wags his tail.)

See? That’s how he likes it.

DAD:

My arm is falling asleep.

MOM:

You don’t need two arms to drive a car.

DAD:

He can’t sit like this the whole ride.

MOM:

Just let him do it for a little.

DAD:

This is ridiculous.

MOM:

It’s how he likes it.

DAD:

Well then you can navigate.

MOM:

I’m not the navigator.

DAD:

Well, when I have one arm you are.

MOM:

Well, you’re not gonna have one arm the whole time.

DAD:

Well, I do now, so you’re the navigator.

MOM:

Go straight.

(Matt is reading in the back seat.)

MATT:

What does ren-des-vos mean?

DAD:

Rendesvos? I don’t know.  It’s Spanish.

MATT:

It says, “We are going to have a rendesvos.”

MOM:

Maybe it’s rendezvous? R-E-N-D-E-Z-V-O-U-S?

MATT:

Yes

MOM:

That’s French. It means a secret meet up.

DAD:

Like spy guys are gonna have a rendezvous and shoot people up.

MOM:

Do we have to have people die at the rendezvous? It’s just a secret meeting.

DAD:

Well, a secret meeting that spy guys and killers and murders have to plot to shoot up stuff and steal stuff.

MOM:

Or, not. It’s just a secret meeting. Like, me meeting with Aunt Kelly to plan a surprise party or something.

DAD:

…where they’re gonna steal purses and shoot people after the cake.

MOM:

No. No one is getting shot after cake.

DAD:

That's what they think.

MATT:

So, rendezvous is a secret meeting for killers.

MOM:

No.

DAD:

Yes.

MOM:

You’re ruining our kids vocabulary.

DAD:

I’m making it awesome.

(Mom heads to her phone to settle the score.)

MOM:

“A meeting at an agreed time and place. Typically between two people.” I thought it was secret, but it’s not even secret. Maybe because it’s fancy, it makes it sound like secret stuff is gonna happen.

DAD:

I don’t care what the dictionary says, it’s a secret spy meeting where bad stuff gets planned. You don’t use the word rendezvous to just say, “Hey, let’s meet.”

MOM:

Well, in the dictionary you do.

MATT:

So, what does it mean?

DAD:

Spy meeting.

MOM:

It just means- have a meeting. To have a meeting. Meet up. Plan a meeting.

DAD:

And then kill and pillage people.

MATT:

What does pillage mean?

MOM:

Jesus!

DAD:

You should watch your vocabulary.

(Mom gives dad a look.)

MATT:

Yeah, mom!

(Silence. Matt goes back to reading. Dad laughs. Mom looks out her window. Dad has had it with Jake laying over his arm.)

DAD:

OK, get him off my arm, now. That's enough, Jake.

(Mom, ignores dad.)

I can’t drive the rest of the way like this. Hey. Can ya help here?

MOM:

I’m sorry that’s not in my vocabulary.

 

THE BICKERSONS EAT SUSHI

CHARACTERS

MAE: 8 years old

MATT: 10 years old

MOM: 41

DAD: 42

 

 

MATT:

Why is it called sushi?

 

MOM:

Because it’s raw.

 

MATT:

But, what does it mean?

 

MOM:

Means it’s not cooked.

 

MATT:

But what does sushi mean?

 

 

MAE:

Yeah. What does it mean?

 

MOM:

It’s Japanese for sushi.

 

MATT:

Huh? Can we search it up on your phone?

 

DAD:

You don’t need the phone.

 

MAE:

I think it means disgusting, puke, sick stuff.

 

MATT:

Cause you never try anything, Mae. You eat chicken nuggets all day long.

MAE:

I have sweet and sour chicken!

 

MATT:

Whatever. I have real sushi. Real Japanese sushi stuff.

 

MAE:

Cause you’re disgusting.

 

MATT:

You’re disgusting-

 

MAE:

You-

 

MOM:

ZIP!

 

(The Bickersons exchange evil looks. Matt indulges in his “real” sushi while Mae enjoys her sweet and sour chicken.)

 

DAD:

Did you know you could eat that flower on your plate, Mae?

 

MAE:

Whaaaat?

 

MOM:

You can. It’s an edible orchid.

 

MATT:

It’s poison.

 

MAE:

Is it poison?

 

DAD:

No. It’s garnish.

 

MATT:

What’s garnish.

 

DAD:

Stuff they put on the sides of plates.

 

MAE:

The Japanese people call it garbage?

 

DAD:

Garnish. G-a-r-n-i-s-h.

 

MATT:

Oh my God, Mae. Yeah, the Japanese guys put poisonous, garbage flowers on plates so you die when you come and eat here.

 

(Mae has had it.)

 

MAE:

WELL HOW WOULD I KNOW!? I DON’T SPEAK JAPANESE?!

 

(They all laugh.)

 

So…

 

I can take a bite of this flower?

 

(Mae looks to Mom and Dad for approval and to ensure that it’s not a poisonous Japanese garbage flower. The family watches. She inspects the flower, smells it, looks through every petal and then shoves the entire thing in her mouth. She chews vigorously with her eyes tightly shut. She opens her mouth to show the family how amazing and brave she is. She moves around the table with her mouth open as wide as it can go, showing the orchid has been completely devoured. Matt is in awe.)

DAD:

Awesome, Mae!

 

MOM:

Mae, that was sweet.

 

MATT:

Wow, Mae. Yer crazy.

 

MAE:

Now, I eat sushi too!