BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO SMALL TOWN POLITICS
ONE: Ditch the golden rule. Yes, I know this is a basic law of God, but listen; the only time God comes in is on Election Night when you pray your smear campaign worked. And, God has no place in politics; unless you get an endorsement from him, then put it on a billboard and make buttons.
TWO: You think you can trust grandma? Think again you feeble minded ninny. Grandma is a spy. You always knew she was. All those knitted sweaters and pies; they were all part of her master plan. Don’t trust grandma and her empty promises. You don’t need anything for your birthday. You need votes. Can grandma make Santa bring a magic sleigh of votes? No. She’s gotta go.
THREE: If this is your first time entering small town politics, you probably have a soul. You’re gonna want to rip that thing out and throw it in the garbage. Unless you think it’s pure enough to sell and get more campaign funding. If yes, I would suggest Craig’s List.
FOUR: If you find your opponent has no character flaws, a great family, and an earnest desire to serve the community; get a hit man.
FIVE: You’re not going to need a spray tan or a driver; you’re going to need mace and a pick-up truck. Drive around in your truck all day and find out who has your opponents sign in their yards. Mace any traitor in the face, rip the sign out, pile it in the back of your truck, and shoot off your gun as you do victory donuts in their front yard.
SIX: There’s got to be some old retired politician with some clout. Take this old bitty to lunch, promise her tickets to the local semi-professional game and slap a button over her broach. Have her write a letter to the community and then tote her around in the back of your truck with a sign taped to her back and a mega phone so she can recite the letter.
SEVEN: If you have young children, send them far, far away.
EIGHT: Don’t expect politicians who support you in private to support you in public. What are you stupid? Someone’s word is just a word. If it wasn’t put on a button or flyer, it was never said; you liar!
NINE: Remember what CAMPAIGN stand for: Connive Annihilate Manipulate Promise Attack Intimidate Gloat Nepotism
TEN: If you win; repeat steps 1-9. If you lose, quickly try to buy your soul back, get back into grandma’s will, return the truck (and the old bitty), and find your way back to your children. Take a deep breath and never, ever try to do something so stupid again.