Get the Vaseline and slather that on your ass cause it’s about to get chapped. The warmth of summer is fading away; each breeze will slowly get worse and worse. Like thighs that rub together on a long run; only it’s on your face and shea butter won’t help, and even if it did, you would break out with underground zits from sweaty layers of scarves and dickies and ski masks to cut the horrific cold.
You ready to go get the mail and almost die on the stoop of your house? Watch out for that goddamn icicle that’s the size of Mt. Everest, it’s gonna pierce your lung and kill your dog. Why don’t you try prying open that mailbox with the Jaws of Life and peeking in on the pile of bills that need to be paid before the Holidays punch you in the wallet. I would call Uber to come pick you up at the end of your driveway and carry your sweatpants, snowsuit wearing ass to the front door, because you’re gonna be the next slip and fall on the six o’clock news if you try to make it back with that pile of Holiday junk mail about candles, wine and heart shaped necklaces for her.
Listen snowmobilers, ice fisher people, and winter sports junkies- GOOD FOR YOU! Good for you that you have an abundant resource of money lying around to buy $10,000 worth of gear to sit in a tent, poke a hole in the ice, and fish for food that you don’t need to eat in subzero temps. We’re all really proud that you can lug 70,000 pounds of gear out to a hill to go up and down and up and down and then up and down while you freeze your lungs and nearly hit a tree from careening out of control on an ice patch. I’d rather invest in a hot tub time machine to take me back to summer.
Snow angels? Excuse me, you need a guardian angel. No little kid, I don’t want to lie on my back in my overstuffed suit to try and make an imprint of what I would look like as an overweight angry angel that fell out of the sky at lightning speed. Let’s just sit inside, drink cocoa with peppermint schnapps and watch it’s a Wonderful Life while we stuff our faces with summer sausage and five different flavors of popcorn from the Holiday tin we got from the neighbor.
You got tickets to some fancy show downtown? Sell them, or head there now before the expressway shuts down. And don’t even think about getting all spiffed up. You should think about getting a tank and wearing army fatigues to protect you from fifty inches of slush, salt and rocks that hit your windshield at 1,000 miles per hour while you roll down the window to try to brush off an iceberg from your rearview mirror.
You want to head to the grocery store? Why don’t you just do like a bear and hibernate. Is it really worth it to slip to your death in the bread aisle? You just need water and Vitamin D. You’ll have plenty of food left over from parties and gift exchanges and the counter in the breakroom at work. But what about gift shopping? What about it? Three words Amazon dot com. Done and donest. Fill your cart, fill their heart. It’s the new slogan for Amazon that I just made up cause I’m already bored just thinking about Winter and I’m getting stir crazy and having strange urges to run through the wall.
And those of you who live in places where it's beautiful year round and you cater in a snow maker for your kids party- get control of yourselves. Come on! You're killin' us. Have the kids stand naked in front of an open freezer door while they gnaw on ice chips; pure winter magic.
But the first snow is so- Shut it.
But making a snowman- Shut. Up.
But the season change- Do not open your mouth again unless it’s to breathe hot air onto my hands cause they’re freezing.
Winter is coming. Are you ready?
But fall just star- Listen. I know fall just got here, but fall is just a verb for something that happens to people who go out to get the mail in winter. Now, go get your protective helmet on. Go, on. Get.
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