FIRST-WORLD PROBLEM COMPLAINERS: Come on. Is it really that bad when the breakfast buffet at your Hilton doesn’t have almond milk? And WiFi isn’t a human right. I’m sorry your spray tan got jacked up before your family cruise, hopefully it won’t detract from your day excursions in TAHITI! (that just recovered from a NATURAL DISASTER!). How bout Santa brings you eternal split ends and lukewarm Starbucks.
POLITICIANS: Come on. What are you doing? All of you. What in the hell are you doing? You’re giving us a headache, panic attacks, and making us doubt the moral fabric of the universe. Go back to basics and just start with the golden rule; treat others how you would like to be treated. Not-treat others that give you treats and if they don’t give you treats throw a tantrum and destroy them with your ray gun. How bout Santa brings you all to a deserted island and you can ruin it from there.
MATT LAUER: Come on. A red button, Matt? A RED BUTTON?! That’s like straight to hell kinda stuff. How bout Santa brings you and all the other scumbags a permanent red nose that glows anytime you have inappropriate urges, so women can run away from your sexual harassment shit storms.
PEOPLE WHO RUIN THINGS FOR OTHER PEOPLE: Come on. Yer killin us. Don’t count calories when I’m eating pizza next to you. Don’t bring more than 10 items to the 10 item checkout aisle. Stop writing letters to the school and complaining about every single last bit of joy the teachers are trying to bring our kids. Just get a hobby, like running for long distances off short piers, or saving the unicorns, of course you’ll have to go out into the woods and try to find one first. Go, on. Get. How bout Santa brings you a new neighbor who mows their lawn at 6a.m. every Saturday.
GAME OF THRONES: Come on. Just air the remaining episodes! We need something to do this Winter! Jerks. Come on, Santa! Bring it!
TWITTER: Come on. Holy cow! The meanest people are on Twitter. It’s like Satan is working through the fingertips of 90% of the users. When John McCain got diagnosed with a devastating brain cancer people on Twitter were applauding, asking cancer to “do its thing”, hoping it would kill him fast. Sick. The most vile and awful things are tweeted out every second of the day. I seriously think Twitter is the Dark Lord’s lair and we’re the puppets. (I do use Twitter, but I only put up silly nice things that have zero effect on the chorus of raging Twitter haters who despise humanity.) How bout Santa sneaks in to all the Twitter trolls rooms and tattoos the nastiest thing they’ve written right to their forehead?
ELEPHANTS: They have always been my favorite animal ever (ask my mom). They have emotions, feelings, memory, and they honor family. Just looking at elephants makes me cry. How anyone could harm them is incomprehensible to me. How bout Santa and everyone else just leaves them alone.
THE DISHWASHER: The dishwasher is the nicest thing in my house and by nicest, I mean the most kind. I still can’t believe there is something that washes the dishes for me?! I load the dishwasher up with so much crap I can hardly slide the rack back in and never once does that thing talk back. It’s consistent. It's quiet and never complains. Unbelievable. How bout Santa brings my dishwasher an unlimited supply of Cascade Platinum ActionPacs and a little loading elf.
ROTISSERIE CHICKEN: I’ve said it before, God bless rotisserie chicken. A shameful amount of family meals throughout 2017 were based around rotisserie chicken. It’s just so available, affordable, willing, able, plump, adorable, succulent, and lazy. I’m pretty sure it’s one of the most overlooked trends on Twitter. People should be singing the praises of rotisserie chicken. They should be pondering the wonder of it and creating monuments to its glory. How bout Santa brings a rotisserie delivery service to my house so I don’t even have to move to cook dinner.
AMOXICILLIN: We ate our weight in pink bubble gum flavored amoxicillin this year. This stuff needs to be available by drone delivery. It deserves a humanitarian award for kicking the shit out of tonsillitis, bronchitis and pneumonia. How bout Santa makes Amoxicillin available by the growler at WalMart, no appointment necessary.
WINE: I cannot get enough of this stuff. Every single occasion seems like a wine occasion. We got a flat tire. It’s the kids second to last day of camp. I’m on the fifth load of whites. It’s Tuesday. The neighbor just pulled in. I got the mail. Someone butt dialed me. There’s just too much to celebrate! Jesus loved wine so much he turned water into it-and he was in the desert! Think about it. Jesus only whipped out miracles for a few things and he chose WINE, not broccoli, not an elliptical machine, not a stupid fitbit- WINE. I think in honor of his birthday, Santa should take Jesus around with him and turn everyone’s water into wine. This won’t save the world, but it will make it a happier place and Santa and Jesus would blow up Instagram with their crazy selfies.
PAIRED SOCKS: Greatest things on Earth! How bout Santa doesn’t bring me a stocking this year, instead just bring my stockings together. Pair them up. Join them as one again, and let the sock basket become the newest Christmas crap storage bin.
Hope your nice list grows. Hope your naughty list shrinks. Hope your wishes come true and your doubts fade. Hope this year brings you wonderful things. But most of all I really, really hope Jesus and Santa shut down the Twitter haters and turn all our water into wine.