Everyone keeps telling me to hold on tight to them. To make time and savor every moment.
We make snuggles pods. We cook, and I always mess something up-but we’re together. We try not to overdo things and always make room to call audibles- a random road trip, a fancy dinner on a Tuesday for no reason.
People say it goes so fast and then before you know it they’re gone. There is such a short time that we’re with our parents, under their roof and guidance. I just can’t find the manual for this.
We sometimes just sit, but we run around a lot too. I want them to see the world. All the opinions, all the colors and flavors. I want them to be renaissance kids who have perspective, empathy and strength. Maybe we should have stayed in the city? No. They need to run. They should run more.
I think sometimes that we’re doing it right, but most of the time I feel like we won’t know until it’s years later. I’m sure I’m missing some big glaring thing that they’ll both pay for in therapy bills. What kinds of things will they say about me when they’re old enough to realize I’ve been second guessing myself every step of the way. That I’m a self-deprecating, worrywart who overthinks and has random bouts of hiding away.
We use the leftovers on our plates to construct clues for movies. For example, Jon took a left over salad leaf, rolled up his pants and placed the salad sprig just above his ankle. We all screamed out, “Timothy Green!” Are these the sorts of things they’ll remember? Or will they latch onto my absolute failure to explain sex. I always overdo it. No pun intended.
We sit down for dinner, but not all the time. We have sock sorting days because I suck at laundry. In my struggle for balance, I find myself in a constant tornado of trying to get it right. Sometimes I kill it. Sometimes it kills me. Most of the time I drink too much wine and then tell myself tomorrow I’m gonna start being awesome, but then tomorrow comes and…well…
They should do more chores and I should follow through with things. Are they getting a good mix of all things we should mix in for them ? Do they know we love them? Are we too harsh or not harsh enough? Will they be able to face whatever they’ll have to face?
I’m dreaming for them, for me, for us. It’s just all one big dream mixed with nightmares and sleeplessness and worry and joy and fear and happiness and sadness and vodka and wine and carbs and pulling poo out of the dog’s ass.
I’m over here holding on as tight as a I can, cause I’m happy right now. The sun is coming back. We have a new couch that we can all snuggle on-in our own spots for once! Mae is going to actually get her hair cut for the first time in three years. Matt wants to learn to golf better. Jon is happiest because he’s coaching, and I’m having girlfriends over to solve the world’s problems.
We’re all holding on as tight as we can.