Some questions for the person who ransacked my car…
Were you as amazed as my mother, my daughter and I were by the overwhelming amount of tampons and pens? I had no idea I even had those in there and I am constantly searching and asking people for pens and tampons. It was stunning to see my car littered with super plus and Bic. Did you have your period? Maybe that’s why you lost your mind and pillaged my Subaru. I hope you took some super plus and a pen to write your feelings down in your diary, writing is a great release. I’m actually a writer, so we have a lot in common. And thank you for allowing me the opportunity to explain what a tampon is to my eight year old. I love having premature impromptu mommy daughter moments in dark parking garages right after you’ve been robbed.
Are you enjoying my Zoot gym bag? I’m glad it’s seeing the light of day. You like that stinky worn-outsports bra? Don’t jump around in that thing, it’s not gonna hold the girls in. I hope my suit fits. Have you worn my swim caps? Did you get a chance to take run in my shoes? I think they’ll be great for your next robbery. Maybe they’ll make you run faster? That wasn’t the case for me, but I’m hoping they perform for you.
Did you notice the Mercedes that was right next to my car? Just asking.
Why didn’t you take the Disney princess CDs or the VOTE for Tom Shaughnessy button? These are great items and they were FREE!
I’m extremely embarrassed that you even saw my trunk and I’m sorry that I didn’t have anything worthwhile in there, besides the gym bag. I mean, what good is a moldy sports bottle, old socks, two baseballs, a unicorn bike helmet, a State Bank of The Lakes folding chair, and a sack of old t-shirts? Next time I’ll be prepared and put some jewelry back there.
Oh, I did want to thank you for scaring my little girl so badly that she thinks you’re gonna come to our house and kill us. She won’t sleep alone at night now. It’s the greatest. It’s really fun and my husband and I love having her kick us in the face while we try to sleep. We hope this lasts forever, either way it reminds us of you and that’s a really beautiful thing.
Anyway, good luck with your period. Maybe I’ll see you at the gym?
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